Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
