I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
