I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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