My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
