Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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