If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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