Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She told me I should be a condom model.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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