I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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