ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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