Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
