I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
