I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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