Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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