there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize