I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize