I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
Randomize
