dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
whose parrot is this?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
