My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize