man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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