Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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