Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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