Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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