Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We left the knife in your bed.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
