So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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