I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
