woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
