Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
