Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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