please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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