I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
