Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize