I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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