fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
