Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
