so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
