do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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