its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
