I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
