everyone is single if you try hard enough
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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