When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
