Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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