did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
