just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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