i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
