you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
