Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
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