If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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