Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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