Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
