There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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