my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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