My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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