3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
