I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
