One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
