Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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