look no pants
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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