Already got asked if we're dating
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
where am i from again
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
