Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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