You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You can't just leave with hair like that
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
